Single boomers seek love on their termsMegan Finnerty The Arizona Republic Nov. 29, 2006 12:00 AM Of the nearly 82 million baby boomers in America, a third are single. And although a generation ago, being single later in life would have been a stigma, single boomers see this as one more chance to define happiness on their own terms. Single boomers feel no pressure to marry. Instead, they want to have fun after lives of building careers and taking care of others. They want to find someone who complements the person they have become. They've got several advantages. They are living longer, with life expectancy near 80. They are generally in good health and taking better care of themselves. And they have money, with $2.1 trillion in buying power, according to MetLife Mature Market Institute And although their wants are as varied as their lifestyles, this is where they agree: They are unwilling to settle. They want someone they can talk to and commit themselves to. They don't want any of the problems they've spent half a life working through. Boomers have changed the old social norm that being unmarried at midlife is a shortcoming, an issue. "Before, people looked for you to marry once you're together a little while," said Jack Altersitz, 55, a twice-divorced retired teacher and soccer coach from Glendale. "Now, people just accept it, and it's a really nice social adjustment." Still, armed with high standards, disposable income and years of experience, single boomers find dating doesn't get any easier with age. What they thinkWhether looking for fun, a loose commitment or someone to live up to their romantic standards, boomers today have strong ideas about what constitutes a good relationship. Terri Rascon, 46, an executive assistant from Chandler, owns her home, has a job she loves and has been raising her three children since her divorce 12 years ago. Now, she wants to have fun. "I don't need their money. I just want to find someone who's over their divorce, who wants to be in a relationship with me. We don't even have to get married," she said. For Altersitz, a good relationship is dating a woman for two years, without plans to marry. "It's more like we're friends now," he said. "She has her life and I have mine, but we come together and share things we both enjoy." Boomers are more discriminating about the company they keep and firmer in their opinions and values than when they were younger, said Matt Thornhill, president of the Boomer Project, a research and marketing firm based in Richmond, Va. So many, like Phoenix's Mickey Hahnenkratt, see their single status as the result of being true to the self they've cultivated. Hahnenkratt spent her life developing interests in hiking and religion and establishing her career as a volunteer and community outreach director for the YMCA. But at 62, she has been single most of her life. She is looking for love but is unwilling to compromise on the issues closest to her. And she's just never met a man who was a good match. This means Sundays are hard for her. When she was younger, she imagined her family coming home from church and spending the day together. "I think it's sad, but my life is still full," she said. "I don't think we're supposed to be alone. But I would never settle." What they wantAlthough the men and women interviewed for this series said they try to be realistic about their expectations, years of personal achievements, professional successes and their own quest for self-improvement means they're demanding daters.
"Everybody has high expectations. That's a big handicap," said Maria Swan, a Phoenix matchmaker and real estate agent who runs www.real estate4singles.com. "When you ask people what they're looking for," she said, "they say he has to be tall, he has to be skinny, he has to be rich. What movie star is going to knock at your door?" But even if the men look like Pierce Brosnan, they still have to be intelligent, loyal and good at communicating, said Phoenix's Debbie Foedish, 43. Since her divorce three years ago, Foedish has attended divorce support group meetings to figure out what went wrong in her marriage and what to look for in a partner now. "Now, I know what I'll put up with, what I won't," she said. "I know if they're sincere, or if they're giving me a snow job." People are looking for a good heart, said Joy Browne, a Manhattan-based psychologist and author of Dating for Dummies (For Dummies, 1997, $21.99). "People are really looking for the long term," she said. "Sex doesn't last, but friendship does; similarity of interest endures."
How they find itHere's the irony, though. Single boomers still haven't figured out how to date any more successfully now than when they were younger. They're meeting on Web sites such as www.prime singles.net. They're looking for dating tips from books such as Flings, Frolics, and Forever Afters: A Single Woman's Guide to Romance After Fifty. They're dancing at the bars, cycling at the gym and looking literary at coffee shops, all to find love. Some succeed, such as Altersitz and his girlfriend, who takes him with her when she runs marathons on other continents. The two are planning a trip to Antarctica in February, where he'll cheer her on in 32-degree weather. But for many others, there is awkwardness and disappointment. Lori Jacques, 48, an administrative assistant from Scottsdale, tells a story about going to a nice restaurant with a date, only to have him declare the menu too pricey. So they left and went to a more modest restaurant, where he said the wait staff was too inattentive. So they left and went to a busy chain restaurant. She didn't consider that much of a date but says she was thankful to go on it at all. Linda Stephens, 57, a retired paralegal, has been on about 30 dates since her husband died two years ago. She has been proposed to twice, by men she wasn't even interested in. "They're looking for mothers or nurses," she said, "but they're not looking for me, the person I am." Reach the reporter at megan.finnerty@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8770.
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